dig me a trench

life started over

2008-09-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

i don't mean anything to most of my past "friends". it just makes me wonder... what the fuck do people really think about me? i have like 3 people i talk to that i've known for more than 6 months. that's FUCKING INSANE. i mean i've probably known hundreds of people in my life and while i don't expect to still know all the people that were in my third grade class, i do think that it's not crazy that i would still talk to the people that i once lived with or people who i spent a significant amount of time with. i know i'm missing something. am i really that jackass that everyone can't stand but no one wants to confront because i can't be wrong? PLEASE, TELL ME. WRITE ME AN ANONYMOUS COMMENT OR SOMETHING. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED.

9-2-08

2008-09-02T11:33:00.001-07:00

i don't like writing on here anymore. it just feels worn out and insincere. there are so many online blogs and whatnots and they are mostly about people keeping friends updated or i don't even know what. i just feel like i have too much to lay on someone else's shoulders.
ryan and i broke up which i have known was coming for about a month or two now. he and i just do not match up. it sucks because i care for him but its also what makes sense for both of us. i don't want to drive or be driven crazy. i think its been a positive experience for me though. i tested myself in a lot of ways. forced myself to stay committed when i didn't want to. which is a good thing for me. i think i was experimenting with a lot of things through the whole relationship. trying to pay attention to the way i reacted to certain situations. even now, at the end of it all, i feel good that i am making a decision without shutting off my emotions. i can know i should not to be with him and still feel for him. i also feel good that i'm not doing this because i want to "play the field" or because someone else has caught my eye.
i told my mom and brother that we can no longer speak which was really one of the most heart breaking experiences i've had so far in my life. right on par with all the other tragic tales i have to tell. i know that in order to not be a part of their chaotic cycles, i have to separate myself and re-learn how to exist with others without having these huge ups and downs. i really feel like i've broken my mothers heart. i just hope its a catalyst for some change. and it would be nice if we all come out alive and well. emphasis on the alive part right now since i feel like they are both in danger of committing suicide. it's too much for me to even consider right now. i believe that they can overcome this and we can come back together in a different way.
philadelphia has been treating me well. i like riding my bike around. i like that i an beginning to know my way around. i like the people i've been spending time with. i think this was a good move. actually, i have no idea what "good" move even means. what signifies a move being good. it is a move and i feel like i'm doing good things right now. thats all i'll say.
god is a distant being to me now. i don't know that i feel like he/she/it exists. i don't want to become a person who isn't connected with my spirituality but i feel like i'm growing up and those idea's seem like definitive fairy tales. i miss them all the same. things felt clearer and more supported when i had a book that was the end all be all.
there's more to say but i feel purged enough to move on to the next task of my day. peace peace peace peace peace

this is a time to blog

2008-03-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

do yo know what happens when you are surrounded by chaos? you lose track of everything that seemed like it mattered once. you lose track of hope. it feels like all i can do is sit and stare at a tv screen.
did you know that we are shit? we treat each other like shit and we try and keep everyone down. this world wants to kill all the good inside. and you know, it's always the people who need it the most that get it the worst.
i can't remember right now what it feels like to hope for tomorrow and i swear i'm not depressed. i don't know what bright or dull looks like. i can't laugh or be sad. my mind wants nothing more than for me to not think about anything. my head has shut off my soul to everything and nothing makes sense right now.

too long

2008-03-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

what did i say at the end of the last post? going home in 49 days? YEAH RIGHT!

i'm home. home like america but i am reminded everyday how much i really don't have a home anywhere. i've been "staying places" for about 6 months now. as the list of things i've lost grows larger, i grow ready to have a place for my things. i'm not one that lives out of a suit case well.
i don't even know what to say. i go "home" tomorrow to tell my mom and brother that i won't be able to have a relationship with them anymore because of their addictions.
everything i type just seems so small. i want my words to wrap around what it means to let go of your family. i want to say something that swallows everything that i'm feeling. everything seems stupid as fuck. i mean honestly, school loans and people not being as good of friends as they should be, fucking taxes, stupid presidents, third world poverty, glue sniffers, boring jobs... fuck that. fuck all that. fuck having a bad family. my mother and brother are walking dead... i'm going to look two people in the face and tell them that i can't be there for them anymore.
it's stuff like this that reminds me how totally... alone i am. i don't mean that i'm lonely or that i don't have anyone. i mean that its all shifting and moving. i don't know how to say what i mean. it just feels like we are all so separate. even our deepest connections are still separate.
this is not what i want to say. i think i just want to say fuck it. fuck it.
fuck people for not doing what they can do.

my girl Friend ( this came up as an option when i pressed the m key. notice how the F in friends is caps.)

2008-02-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

last night i just wanted to be with friends. i wasn't home sick. i wasn't unhappy about being in india. i just missed my loved ones. i really really miss everyone.

i decided that there are few things i like more than getting a really good gift for someone. sidenote: a couple of cows just walked by and i saw a girl, maybe 6 or 7, sans pants, squatting over the sewage taking a nice big crap. in the words of austin petito, "seriously, wtf?" ok, i think i have a few good ideas in mind for a few select people. i personally cannot wait to purchase a baby sling in nepal for my future offspring. yes please!

im trying not to let my mind think of the future and all the wonderful plans i have ahead but its so hard! im so excited to be in philly, first for visiting and then for living. im excited about the CA/NM road trip. Im soooo excited about living in TN for a few months. it feels really close but i think im fooling myself. sort of like when people say you can get full by smelling food. wait, what? point is, im loving life and i can't see that changing any time soon. maybe i really am starting to have the desires of my heart. sidenote: i have a new found love for myspace since it has been providing me tunes here in the internet closet. currently enjoying beach house via grizzly bear's top 8. just lovely, really.

since i've been here i have had this enormous sense of feeling ... content, i think. im not totally sure. it feels strange. i know that i couldn't stand to be here more than i am going to be and yet it feels like it would be wrong to be anywhere else. i never thought that i would take as much pleasure out of the small things as i have. noticing people's expressions and reactions to certain things and then the smile that follows after they realize i've noticed them. it makes me feel this weight on my chest but its not heavy. in one of the "this american life" podcasts i listened to recently, a girl who had a heart transplant talked about waking up from surgery and she said, "i took a breath for the first time and it was like i was drowning in air." its just like that! im drowning in all this, whatever it is.
i think its the beach house talking now.
one more thing, blogs are really great. you get this glimpse of people that you wouldn't normally see. im going to expose my creeping a little bit here but there was a part in ryan andersons myspace blog that i think is so incredible. " Everytime we leave his house he sends us away with something. Tonight it was: 9 months worth of different tobaccos, fresh basil from his garden, and a pocket full of sliced celery that was on my salad that i didn't want to eat and didn't want to leave on the plate. everyone's happy." this is so great! a pocket full of celery slices! this is so telling. maybe he would disagree but it seems like only a certain type of person would do such a thing. i laughed very loud when i read that.
and thats really just one of so many interesting things i have read on blogs. i read blogs of people i will never meet. i read blogs of friends that don't know i read their blogs. the internet is a voyeur's dream land. oh and don't even get me started on leigh's blog. her words posses so much power. i will always envy that about her. sidenote:why would an indian think its a good idea to write a song with the lyrics "oh mommy daddy, oh daddy mommy, etc"?

thankyou beard in the sky for technology, friends, things to give, kids, and going home in 49 days.

nestle

2008-02-03T00:02:00.000-08:00

baby is here. she is my little eskimo. i have been on night duty which means that she sleeps in the bed with me and i give her anything she wants! which i must say, is not very much at all. she is one of the easiest babes ever. oh, also, her name is asha which means hope. its sorta gay and i dont think it fits her but i also dont care since i call her "panda" or "love" in my head all day and night. i feel good about my level of emotional attachment. she feels like someone else's baby which is a very good thing. i was scared i would not be able to leave her but that was just silly. i will be fine.
speaking of leaving her, nepal in 9 days! i cannot wait. this will be a for real vacation. i will do the following things... stay at a hotel for $1 usd per night (thankyouverymuch), eat, see a real live goddess, see big mountains, see nepali!, look for presents for everyone. im sure there's more, but the point is that i won't be doing things like... teaching, waking up at 9, doing anything other than exactly what i want to do for exactly 2 weeks. its crazy to think that i've been here 4 weeks minus 2 days (i think). time is going to go by so fast from now on too. although, i'll admit, i sorta wish i was coming home at the beginning of march instead of the end. patience, child!
yo k! im coming to philly the day i get back and staying for like 5 days... this is my way of saying.. can i be in your life in the way that people who stay with you are in your life? get it? i mostly want to know if i can be in your life but staying with you would be much apprec.
ok, sure sign that journal is not so private now that i am using it to communicate with another person. shit!

oh my god

2008-01-24T22:39:00.000-08:00

i wish that i could add a clip of sunil saying "oh my god" on here. it is so funny to me. the typical Indian accent saying oh my god to nothing in particular. yet another thing i hope to never forget about India.
the conditions here are really sick. that sounds so infomercial. that's really not how i mean it. maybe i won't talk about India on here because i feel like every time i try i am disappointed by the words.
maybe I'll talk about words. why can't i be one of those people who can write how they feel and have it be an accurate representation? this is a never ending source of frustration for me. i want to express perfectly what i want to express! maybe even then i would not be satisfied. maybe i would only wonder if the person i was speaking to perfectly understood what i perfectly said. either way, i feel like i could move past being able to express the 30-50% that i am currently working with.
i am feeling very content lately. i am happy to be here. i am busy-- class in the morning, tutoring, errands, visits to neighbors-- and it leave me not wishing for much. also, maybe without realizing it until this moment, i find myself not wanting much either. it could be a trick since i know that even if i did want something, i would probably be left wanting as not much is available.
i guess i am going through the typical first time traveler experience. feeling like nothing has changed at first and then feeling very depressed for about 3 days which then led me to change. it never ceases to surprise me how much personal growth and change are... awesome. yeah... my vocabulary is also pretty awesome. awesome? man, my list of adjectives contains like 13 words and i only know how to spell 5 of them.
ok, hindi words i know: ek, do, tik, bis, accha, sundar, dono, dost, kya?, kitne?, nam, kitab, thik, coy bat nahi... i think there are more but that is the list for now.
now a list of things that are awesome: bananas (which are being consumed by the dozens), leigh, leigh, leigh, kristen, brittany, israel, cheese, showers, children, communication, the industrial revolution, cell phone ring tones in India.
i just finished the tipping point and i enjoyed it.
this journal is feeling less and less personal as the list of people i share it with grows. maybe that's ok. maybe I'll start another journal.

2007-12-23T21:07:00.000-08:00

i have the most sensitive nose ever.

update city

2007-12-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

im back in.. ocala. i started my time home by ending my last weekend in orlando early to take my brother to the emergency room due to hallucinations/ paranoid delusions/ insomnia/mood swings/opiate addiction/ general psychosis. after waiting in the emergency room for 8 hours we were seen and my brother was told to stop taking his pain pills and to follow up with a psychiatrist... duh. total we spent 13 hours in the emergency room and by the time i got back home i had been awake for 33 hours and had only slept 7 or 8 hours the 2 nights previous combined. i was so very happy to sleep.
since then i have spent some time with my mom and brother and been on a trip to tampa. seeing bob and brian is always nostalgic and sort of unsettling. it is sometimes difficult for me to be around them knowing that they don't really take the time to understand the things that are important to me now. i have always wished that they could be a part of my life in a different way. they used to be my best friends and now they are the boys who were my best friends. i dont kow, i guess i have to accept that people arent going to try and understand me.
ok my mom is driving me insane so i guess thats all i can write for now.
i leave for philly on the 27th. we'll see how that goes.

how are we seen?

2007-12-03T02:14:00.001-08:00

human beings just are not bad like we think they are. its just not true

shade sade sharday sardee

2007-11-29T22:26:00.000-08:00

sade keeps it real and brings it back. smooth operator brings me back to lake side childhood memories. what a smooth operator she is, that sade.

2007-11-29T21:54:00.000-08:00

today i:
let go and let god(!!)
ate weird stuff
got an A
felt great peace

the light

2007-11-27T12:49:00.001-08:00

today i:
slept for many many hours.
didn't write a paper that i needed to write.
had therapy with a man 3 times my age for the last time
felt great peace

im starting to wonder if i haven't already entered into the new season in my life. serving makes life beautiful.

2007-11-18T12:49:00.001-08:00

i have got to get this feeling out of my stomach.

who are you?

2007-11-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

today:
found out love didn't reside where i thought it did .
i read a book about myself written by someone who has never met me.
it says things like "you are afraid that someone will rape you and you will like it"
what can you say to that?
what do you do with that?
you are the same person you were before you read that, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

pain

2007-10-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

when i think about how much i've hurt you, i get short of breath. i feel like not only do i have nothing to say to defend myself but i am emptied at the mere thought of trying to speak.
am i any different than i use to be? i'd like to think so but its hard for me to say. i never knew who i was before so maybe i still don't. maybe i'd do the exact same thing if i was given another chance. i know its not impossible. i do have a very different perspective now. i understand things that i couldn't even recognize before. i really don't know if that makes any difference at all.
there were so many things that led up to my break down. when i talk to other people about it now i say things like "i had gone as far as i could at the age of 21" and " i couldn't hold anything together anymore and so i fell apart, completely." sharing such a deep intamacy with you was unbearable. i knew i was failing. i knew that something wasn't right, i just didn't realize that it was me. leigh describes my intamacy with people (friends...you...anyone) by saying that with one hand i beckon and pull at others to be close and with the other i violently shove them away. reading that now leaves me feeling hopeless. i know its true, less today but still there, and i have no idea how anything will ever be different. im still just a scared child wandering around, looking for home.
im trying to stop the cycles. im trying not to slam the door when i feel threatened.
"i want nothing from you...only to be WITH you."

tink tink

2007-10-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

today is really a beautiful day. it feels like everything will be ok; like everything is alive and connected.

confrontation

2007-10-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

when is it appropriate to confront a person? if there a certain amount of intamy that must be involved in your friendship in order to have the right to say something? i have been wondering these things lately.

after much comtemplation about how frustrated i am with people who lead two lives and get away with it... i figured something out. it matters not!!!! what blessed news. they are the only ones who suffer from living that way. a disjointed life leads to loneliness and broken relationships. so from now on, my frustration will be praise... praise to god that i am walking away from living a like that is full of death. also, prayers for those who still cling to death.

i need forgivness for having loose lips. my hope is that i will be able to tame my toungue and only speak things that are uplifting and loving.

thank you god for peace, friends, and love.

time again

2007-10-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

here i am. i have been introduced to so many wonderful ideas. ideas that are beyond what i have been able to listen to in the past. my mind has been opened. i am seeing my brothers and sisters from a "better" vantage point. i am living in a "community" which means that i am living in a house with 4 boys. i am talking about love. i understand jesus more than i did before. but... isn't there always a but? well, here's the but. all those things are happening and yet i feel myself walking alone. i am still so very alone. i don't believe that this is just my perception. i am no closer to community than i was when i was in high school, crying alone in my closet. the only advance i have made is in my thought. i feel like i have a clearer picture.
this is a very unsettling thing, indeed.
how is it posible to talk about community so much and still feel so disconnected, even from people with whom you live. it does not make sense to me.

how's that?

2007-09-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

life is making less sense as each day comes to an end but i feel more love than ever before.

no new clothes for 6 months.

2007-06-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

I __polly palmer_____ pledge that I shall abstain from the purchase of "new" manufactured items of clothing, for the period of 6 months. I pledge that i shall refashion, renovate, recycle preloved items for myself with my own hands in fabric, yarn or other medium for the term of my contract. I pledge that I will share the love and post a photo of my refashioned, renovoated, recylcled, crafted or created item of clothing on the Wardrobe Refashion blog, so that others may share the joy that thy thriftyness brings! Signed__polly palmer____.

have my life

2007-04-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

i'm just going to type this and maybe one day i'll understand why everything happens: who is my hero?

after you finish a paper..

2007-04-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

you go hang out with friends and do this...

enjoy!

also!

2007-04-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

hats! scarves!
i will have more of these on my head from now on.
maybe i'll take a picture or two and put it on here.

can't help but smile.

2007-04-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

damn you, macbook.
classic 'i just wrote a blog and then my computer shut down'.
i guess i'll write it again. not now. i can't handle re-writing right now. im busy watching a little boy joyfully dance in public. i wish it wasn't weird to video tape children you don't know because it would do anyone a ton of good to watch this.
i'll write soon.
the first of many pointless posts.
polly